When I need you
by RainTastesGood
Summary: Have you ever wondered what happens when James feels vulnerable and lost. What happen if his friends aren't by his side this time, who will he look up to? Fortunately she's always there at the right time. -ONESHOT-


**Okay! so first of all this is my first fiction, even though I've posted others before I don't count them since I wasn't sure if my grammar was good or not. So you may wonder why aren't you confident about your grammar and it's because my main language is spanish, of course I study english and in fact I'm going to graduate in a few months (yay) but thought you should keep in mind that my writing may not be perfect! **

**Hope you enjoy it :) and don't forget to review ... reviews makes me happy :3**

**Disclaimer: I do not own big time rush ... would love to, though.**

* * *

><p>I flopped on the orange couch and closed my eyes. How could this possibly happen to me? To me, James Diamond. I'm supposed to be self confident, talented, independent, strong, unbreakable; however today seems to be the upside-down day. It´s not that I feel the pressure of being perfect 247, it's just that I'm so used to it.

Things should not change, never! I have to be handsome until the day of my death. Kendall has to be the leader and is not supposed to break down. Logan has to be a genius and Carlos is the prankster of the group. That's the way things have been, are and will be for god's sake! The world should stay the way it is.

I hate changes, it sucks. Many people will say: "James? He doesn't care about anything but himself; he just lets the life guide him"

_Fuck! _Can't they see that Logan is not the only one that cares about his future? Who was the one that at his short age wanted to have a musical career, was it Logan? Who was the one that did the impossible to please Gustavo, was it Carlos? Who was strong enough for not crying in the anniversary of his father's death, was it Kendall? NO NO NO and one million times no!

It was me who did everything to give the best to show the producer that I was worth it. It was me the one that forced his friends to go to an audition when we had no one to drive us. It was me, James, who did not cry in the anniversary of my dad's death because everyone I knew were there giving their pity and my dad wouldn't have liked to see me weak in a formal celebration.

Maybe I don't hate changes at all. I mean, I would love to know that people think more about me than just my appearance. I would love to have more recognition on the things that I give my soul and heart. Yes, maybe I don't hate changes 100% but I don't like them on myself. I like things staying the way they are, that way you don't get hurt, if you don't get hurt then you don't show weakness and that's my plan so far. Not being weak, except in my room and completely alone.

I lied, I do want to be 'perfect' 24/7, or at least what perfect means to me. I did all those things, all my efforts just to have someone by my side telling me "well done James, you did it great"

I know that you have to do whatever you're doing for yourself and that as long as you love it it's okay, but since I was a kid I had no one there to tell me those simple words. Was it too much to ask? Whenever I went back from school with a straight A, my mom will only look at me and smile. And I stood there, looking at my shoes, waiting for a simple sentence, is a formality right? I bet she had said "well done" at her office hundreds of times, but I never heard it, not from my own mother. Then I'd turn around and wipe some tears that had had the courage to leave my eyes, as usual my dad would put his big hand on my skinny shoulder, he'd knelt down and hold my chin, wipe the remain tear that was falling and whisper "You are amazing" with a stern and soft voice that had the faculty to make every kind of pain disappear.

I even haven't noticed that I was crying by now, it was impossible not to cry at this remember. Thankfully the guys weren't near. My dad, my best friend, my everything, died.

One day I was on the couch watching an important hockey game, it was pouring outside and it was getting late for my dad to come back from work. I grabbed the phone and called my dad. I remember so well what I told him until today.

"Hey dad! The game is on, hurry up, I want to watch it with you"

"I know buddy, but something happened at the office and I'll be there in half an hour"

"But you promised"

"I know jimmy, I'll be there as soon as I can, and we will watch the game together as I promised. You know what? Go and watch it and then you can tell me everything that I missed. Got it?"

"Kay" sadness all over my voice

"don't be sad bud, I'm on my way" and I believed him. "I love you"

"love you too" and with that exchange of simple words that means so much, I hung up.

I didn't see him, ever again. My mom, my therapist and even my friends told me not to blame myself for his automobile accident, but until today part of my heart believes that he drove fast because of my call, because he didn't want me to stay sad, because he loved me too much to hurt me. Stupid call, stupid me. I've always been so selfish; I just cared about my damn happiness! Sometimes I tell myself that it wasn't my fault, that I was just nine and had no idea of the consequences. Still, nothing can change what happened that cold night. Did I want my dad there with me to watch the game? Yeah sure, the result was not seeing his face ever again.

That's why I have a picture of him on a fancy frame that used to be on my nightstand back in my room in Minnesota. When we moved to Los Angeles I placed his picture in its respective place, but I wasn't at my room, there was Kendall too and whenever I looked at it, the picture didn't bring me peace anymore, all I felt was a lump in my throat. So I decided to hide it on a box with my most precious belongings under my bed. There it stood for months, and the guys haven't found it, yet. In moments like this, is when I grab my box and dust off the frame.

So here I am, sprawled on the couch with my long legs stretched and the picture on my hands. Today hasn't been a good day. Gustavo had told me that I'm worthless, a failure, that I have no talent. Practically the things we're used to hear, but today was different, he really meant it. We know that whenever he yells at us it's just heat of the moment; if he were serious then we wouldn't be Big Time Rush or wouldn't go on tour. However this time the talk was just between Gustavo and me.

I wasn't expecting what he told me, and maybe that's the reason why it hurts so much. He called me into his office and the guys stopped on their tracks, he told them that he wanted to talk with me **alone**, so the guys shrugged it off, not worrying for me one more time, and headed to the limo.

Then we had our conversation that didn't last more than 5 minutes. Basically he told me everything I was doing wrong. And the little things I knew I was doing great, he took the liberty to destroy what left of self-esteem in me. And to make it even worse he threatened to fire me if I didn't get better because he reminded me that the _dogs _had no problem with finding a "new james" once and wouldn't have a problem twice. This at my logic makes a lot of sense, actually.

Aren't Kendall, Carlos and Logan supposed to be my best friends? If they really were then they wouldn't have betrayed me. They wouldn't have accepted to do a new audition for my replacement; they would have stopped me when I started leaving with Hawk. But that is on the past now, this conversation was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

As soon as I remember what Gustavo told me, as soon as I realize that "my friends" are anywhere but here, with me, comforting me; I choke with my sobs.

I feel this inexplicable feeling inside my chest. I don't know if it's sadness or anger or desperation maybe anxiety or loneliness. Who cares anyway? I'm feeling many things now, there's one word with the faculty to describe everything, though. "Bad"

That's it "I feel bad". Both, depressed and angry, anxious and alone and I could go on and on and on. I have all this "shit" inside right now; the only thing that could make it even worse would be someone arriving at the apartment.

I have to let it all out, even with all that I had cried already, it seems that I still have lots of things to get off of me. So I decide to grab the nearest orange pillow, I lay down on the couch as if it's my bed and scream with all my heart.

Suddenly the door opens. I hear everything, the sound of the keys on the table, paper bags cracking, footsteps, the knock emitted by the door pressing against the wall. I'm so absorbed in the new arrival that I haven't noticed that I'm sobbing harder and harder by now.

As soon as I feel a hand on my shoulder my body can't take it anymore and I start shaking uncontrollably. I can sense that someone, whoever it is, understands me, has empathy.

"Sweetheart" the soft and lovely voice makes me feel the urge to hug her, it only can be someone. So I take the courage to raise my head and sobbing and hiccupping I see her.

"Mama Knight?" My voice breaks which I expected after all this crying. Just like she has read my mind she pulls me close and puts her arm around my back making small circles with her right hand while stroking my hair with her left one in attempt to sooth me. All this love expressions brings me back memories of my dad comforting me, when I had a bad day, when teachers told me I was a failure, when mom didn't listen to me, when I lost a hockey game or simply every night before falling asleep on his arms. I choke with my own sobs in attempt to say something.

"What sweetie?" she asks with an affected voice full of concern.

I grab the frame with the picture of my dad and without realizing some teardrops have fallen leaving a wet mark above his face. I get lost in my thoughts, my eyes glued to the picture. It hurts so much that I don't know if I'll be able to spend a single day without crying.

"I miss him" I whisper and look at my "mom", the person who has been there for all of us when we had a problem, right in the eyes.

"I know" she whispers back. I don't know how a simple answer can make me feel so weak, like a little kid looking up for his mother. I feel my eyes burning up and take a quick glance at the ceiling, doing my best not to cry. But I lose the fight which as a consequence makes me lose a complete control of myself. I start hyperventilating which makes me shake, I bite my lips as anxiety surrounds me and I do really want to calm down so I try to take deep breaths but results in short breaking sighs. Hopefully she's there and just in time, she hugs me as if I were a five year old, I place my head on her shoulder and she starts saying comforting words.

"It's okay Jamie, whatever it is we'll solve it" I nod not even trying to stop the tears this time. "It's alright honey, just let it all out"

And we stayed that way for about fifteen minutes. After all that crying I feel that it is time to tell my mom what happened earlier. I regain posture and let go her embrace so I can explain what's wrong.

I open my mouth but no sound came out, she stars to stroke my hair which makes me feel the urge to cry again, I need to say this. I do really need to rip it off of my chest, so I take a long deep breath and say it for once and for all.

"Today at Rocque Records Gustavo sent me to his office for a private talk and he told me that he has never listened to someone like me, and I'm so freaking stupid and naïve that I told him really? Because I thought he was going to say a good thing, but he laughed at me, he laughed so hard that he had tears in his eyes and I should have looked like a complete fool because I had no idea that he had never heard someone as bad as me. All this time thinking that I have talent, what a joke! I remember my dad telling me: you have a gift son. He was lying to me, all those years he lied right in my face" I feel my ears buzzing, maybe I'm yelling but I don't know, I'm not thinking straight right now.

"James, james calm down" I hear a voice but I don't care. I need to finish what I'm saying.

"And he told me that if I didn't improve on my singing then he'll fire me, not that he hasn't treat me badly before. But this time was different, actually it wasn't that different but the guys weren't there so it has to mean something" when I mention my so-called friends and realize that in fact who's listening to me right now is Kendall's mom, sadness overwhelm me. I choke with my sobs, for the third time, which cause me hiccups, I blush and by now I've totally forgotten what I was talking about.

"I- I don't even know why I woke up feeling this lonely, today I felt the urge to visit my - my dad's grave and maybe I didn't want to accept this… but I a- am feeling s-so vulnerable today… and…"

"Shhh, Jamie listen to me, okay?" I'm confused what does she has to tell me? That I'm a complete loser, a wimp, that I'm a cry baby? I already know those things.

"What you're feeling is perfectly normal, sweetie" she strokes my hair for the third time and I know I'll never get tired of her caring side.

"Is it? Because it's not that something terrible had happened today. And now that I think it twice maybe Gustavo wasn't that mean, just the regular turd he is you know?" She tries to lead the conversation so I decide to keep my mouth shut and let her continue.

"You're growing up James, is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Actually, it surprises me that with all this Hollywood pressure you haven't broken down before" now that she's smiling I can't get more confused. "But… but the guys will think that I couldn't with all the pressure and that felt sad because of nothing"

"As if I hadn't had this talk with them before" she chuckles and I'm about to ask for more information but leave it that way, after all I have had this day I prefer not to hear their problems. A small smile appears on my face which makes her smile grow wider; I bet that she feels relieved that she's got to make one of her sons feel better today.

For making the truth circle complete I tell her one last thing "I … felt like crying today" I look sheepishly at my hands, blushing a little. As soon as I notice she hadn't said anything I start getting nervous and rub the back of my neck. "I- I don't know what I felt like crying though, it's not that I usually cry … uhh"

She smiles once again and stands up heading to the kitchen, probably to make dinner. "Don't worry James; this is between you and me"

It's unbelievable how she knows what exactly to say and in the right time, just like my dad used to do.

"Thanks mom, really" after all these years of being kendall's friend Mrs. Knight knows that I call her "mom" sometimes, she wasn't oblivious to all my communication problems with my real mom. To finish this supportive talk she holds my chin and gives me a soft kiss on my forehead as I close my eyes.

"Anytime, Jamie, anytime"

With that she leaves the living room and I take one last look of my dad's picture. I still feel kinda emotional and wipe the remaining tears off of my eyes, but I know that as long as I have Mama Knight, I'm going to be just fine.


End file.
